INGREDIENTS:

At least 2 good-sized tenors
20 gallons of High-C Orange drink
Olive Oil
Garlic
6 boxes of Portamento (a tagliatelli-like noodle)

PREPARATION: If you announce you're going to serve tenor, you'll attract a big crowd, so prepare at least two! It used to be difficult to catch more than one tenor at a time, because they are by nature nocturnal animals who avoid others of their species. Lately, however, they have changed their habits, and they can usually be found in groups of three.

They are easiest to capture in the summer, when they can be found frequenting outdoor stadiums. Less well-known examples can be captured by using vocal students or fans as bait. (Females are usually best, but there are cases where males work better).

Once the tenor has been caught, carefully rinse off all sweat from the last aria. Remove the stomach, which is full of ill-digested phrases and swallowed consonants and would make the casserole lid impossible to shut anyway. Pull the recording contract out of his clenched fist (you may have to cut the hand off). In rare cases, the recording contract may be tattooed on his chest. If the tenor is German, remove the throat, which is so tied up in knots as to be indigestible.

The major danger in cooking tenor is that the head, which is empty, will collapse. Stuff it with a mixture of parsley and paper money. American dollars work best, but German Marks, Lire, English Pounds, and French and Swiss Francs are acceptable too.

Marinate overnight in olive oil and garlic. (Only in the case of the American or Northern European variety; with the Mediterranean variety, this step can be skipped.)

In a big casserole put a layer of portamento, a kind of thin spaghetti, with little balls referred to as "nodes" on either end. Lay the tenor on top of portamenti. Be careful - there is a new variety of tenor, often French, which turns sour in contact with portamento. Cover with High C Orange drink, and bake at highest heat in the oven.

When the High-C boils, it fills up the lung capacity of the tenor, who then lets out a strangled cry which sounds somewhat like "All'armi!" This means the tenor is done to perfection, and can be served.

Buon appetito.